Woah, the seniors will be gone at the end of this month. And I’ll be a senior! That’s a little crazy. I mean, I specifically remember walking in the front doors for the first day of summer school religion. These past three years have gone by quickly, though at the time, they seemed to have dragged on and on. I’m going to miss the seniors. There are some great people who will be leaving the building, but hopefully we will be good enough to replace them.

      But I’m ready. I’m ready to be a senior, have the senior hallway, be the leader. I hear it’s a good year, but it goes by quickly. I’m praying it will go by quickly.

But I have questions for you guys: do you remember the locker you had freshman year? your combination to your lock that you may or may not use? the people that were in your first class on your first day?

     This week has been one of the most frustrating and hurtful weeks of my life. Here’s the break down.

Monday: Coach tells us that practice is over at 6:00, keeps us until 6:30. A girl on the lacrosse team stole my lacrosse jacket. I’m not sure who it was, but I am 99% sure that one of them did. My mom thinks they knew it was my jacket and threw it away. I’m not sure. I know they don’t like me, but I didn’t think they would stoop that low.

Tuesday: My birthday. Didn’t even remember it was my birthday until my grandma tells me happy birthday. Really bad math test. Body aching from lunges and planks the lacrosse team did the day before. JV and Varsity lose a lacrosse game at Cathedral from 3:45 to 8:00 in the rain. I get home at 9:00 fall asleep on the kitchen table at 9:30. The cake was good, though.

Wednesday: I find out I lose the student council elections. The girl I lost against did very little this year in Student Council, but won because she’s been on council longer than I have been and held a pretty high position. Can’t run for regular elections because I’ll only be able to secure a lower position which means I’ll just get dumped on. Body still in pain. Lacrosse coach starts cussing at me during practice.

Thursday: A student council moderator tells me I should work on my people relations. I fall apart in the chapel, skip theater arts and go home. Oh, well. No lacrosse game after school.

Friday: Playing hooky.

Writing this out doesn’t look as bad as it was, but I keep getting this nagging feeling that I don’t belong at Brebeuf. I mean, I’ll definitely come back senior year, but I am starting to recognize how much I don’t fit in. All I know is that I’m ready for this year to be over and for lacrosse to be over. Oh, well. Next week is automatically going to be better because it couldn’t be any worse.

An addition to my lists…

14. Come On Get Higher- Matt Nathanson

13. Sober- Kelly Clarkson

12. Hear You Me- Jimmy Eat World

11. Shake It- Metro Station

10. Best Day- Taylor Swift

9. Stop This Train- John Mayer

8. Brick- Ben Folds Five

7. Here (In Your Arms)- Hellogoodbye

6. Look Where We Are Now- Teddy Geiger

5. Golden- Switchfoot

4. Fast Car- Tracy Chapman

3. Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol

2. Collide- Howie Day

1. Great Expectations- Steven Curtis Chapman

Okay, so, those of you who went to Dance Marathon will understand this. those who didn’t won’t. saturday night was one of the best nights ever. just being with brebeufians, dancing with my best friends, going barefoot, guzzling red bull, and just being in the moment was so much fun for me. i had to give up going on a lacrosse trip to chicago, but i had so much fun, i don’t even care. FTK!

     Spring Break is soooo close. If i can hold on just a little bit longer… So, this year, I will be (drumroll please) staying home. YAAAAAAY! I love being at home so so much. My sister and I will play tons of games, I can get a bunch of stuff done… Life will be awesome. Basically.

I’d wish that I could relive the summer that I was six. It was one of the greatest times of my life. It was the last summer that my best friend was still my best friend. Playing with Katie was the only thing I really cared about; she was going into the seventh grade the next year, but she still thought that playing with me was cool. She used to come over every day from the time I was six months old to that last summer when I was six. We used to do everything together. Going to Wal-Mart was an adventure, the Children’s Museum our romping grounds, and my swingset our official hang-out place. We would eat hundreds of Popsicles, swing so high we would almost fly over the bar, and run screaming through the sprinkler. After that last summer, though, Katie finally realized how much older she was, and that was the last of the time she really spent with me. I mean, we still talked every so often, but it was never like that summer that I was six. She graduated from college last year and now has a job up in Chicago. I can’t even describe how much I miss her sometimes. I really wish that I could have that one last summer back when we were still little and make it count.

     Starting out on my journey, I recognized that I am a very lacking person. In the Native American description of the qualities we should aim to obtain, I think I lonely have wisdom. The other parts range from severely lacking to partially lacking. From a very young age, I have been very intuitive as to what path I should take in different situations. I am able to look at a situation without emotions to see what would is best for me. I know that sounds odd, but to be able to look at only the facts, I am able to make very good decisions in my humble opinion. However, the same cannot be said for innocence and trust. Now, let’s get something straight here, my innocence is still intact (thank you very much), but my trust I definitely lacking. There are very few people I trust because I have been hurt often enough that I just close up to some people.  I would venture to say that only a select few really know who I am. This is why I don’t go on retreats, don’t get too close to people, etc. I try to be more open, but I know that will just bring more pain, so I don’t. I really struggle with this one and want to develop as a human being, but it’s so hard for me to put myself out there. As for the Looks-Within place, I am often too busy to really look within. To be honest, there are times I feel machine-like, but I just look forward to the times when no one is requiring anything of me (ie summer). I like being busy, but I know I need to be more in-tune with myself. Let’s just say I’m developing in this area. It’s there; it just needs to be enhanced. Illumination goes hand-in-hand with wisdom, I think, and I am really pretty good at this, too. I often call on my parents, teachers, mentors, etc. to help me make decisions, and a lot of light is shed on issues when I call on these people. So, though I am not complete, I’ve got a little more than half of the basis necessary for a whole person. 

     My first five that I went in search of were courage, perseverance, strength, humility, and faith. I first sought out courage because no matter where life takes me, I want to have the courage to stand up to injustice, to do what God calls me to do, and to be the daughter/sister/friend I should be. From those who have seen the Princess Diaries, you might recognize this quote, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the decision that something else is more important.” It’s true, too. There are things that I fear, but I fear nothing enough that I would make a foolish decision because of that fear. I also liked the symbol for this one. I mean, a crayon! Coloring outside the lines… it’s the only way to live.

      Perseverance. Once I have made a decision, it definitely requires some perseverance to stick to the goal. I am not a quitter, though, so perseverance is a must. I think the stone was an awesome symbol; don’t throw stones. It takes other people down, making them need some perseverance. Not optimal.

     Anyone who knows about my after school activities knows that I am a lifter. I recognize that this probably isn’t the strength Ms. Haffley is talking about, but it really appealed to me. When I am lifting, it takes physical strength not only to lift, but mental strength to make me want to keep going. There’s also emotional and spiritual strength that are essential to a whole person. These kinds of strength are hard to come by, but so completely applicable to life. Ms. McCarthy was the perfect person to give this medicine. She doesn’t look strong, but she possesses the kind of qualities that command respect, offer love, and make you want to try your best. I think when someone has these kinds of strength, it brings out the best in everyone. 

     The next medicine I sought was humility. Let’s be honest: I can get a big head. Sometimes I think too much o myself, taking credit for things that are not really mine. Many of the things that happen to me or that I experience have nothing to do with my abilities, but God’s work in my lie. I wanted to find humility because it’s essential in being able to get along with others and keeping myself in check.

     As I noted before, I don’t have a lot of faith in other people. I always expect to be let down by people and my expectations are all too often met. The only time I feel totally comfortable is when I’m with my family. I have tried too many times to fit in with other people and have been denied; I have just stopped thinking that other people want to be with me.  Fear of rejection? Not really. I expect it. What’s strange though is that I have complete faith in God. I trust that He is always with me, always wanting the best for me. I guess I identify Him as being the one that always wants me, always looks out for me, and will never leave. I find great comfort in that.  I find it funny that the star is the symbol for faith. Making a wish upon a star isn’t really what I relate to faith. That is having faith in fate, which to me, nothing is fate. All things work together for the good of those who love God. (I know that’s in Romans, but not sure where)

     I found the other 10 items as well, but these were the five I found most important in my journey. Some of the other medicines I think I already possess and others are ones that can very easily be tied to each other which I still seek to obtain, simple as that.

     I realized a lot about myself through this activity. I have found that I am a very cautious person, but I have a lot of love for other people. It’s very strange. I care about the people I am with, even if they aren’t very kind. I think I try to embody the Grad at Grads, but sometimes fall a little short. Good news: I have a year to more completely fulfill these qualities, though I know that I will be striving through my whole life to achieve being a complete person.

Well, I decided to play lacrosse. I just went to Dick’s this past weekend and bought the stick and goggles (50 bucks for a pair of goggles?!) and I’m going to practices every night again. Two and half hours every night, can you believe that/ I think that’s a little extreme, but whatever… I love the game. I practiced 2 hours this weekend, and I’m so excited to see what I can do in this sport. So, now every day when I walk into school, I’m wielding a weapon-like object. Seriously, I could do some serious damage with that thing…

     So, the big question is… should I play lacrosse? Now let me provide some background here. I am co-president elect of Conservation Club, representative on the Student Council, and a faithful runner and lifter, not to mention the nine classes I’m taking. So, there’s the whole time issue. Then, there’s the whole money issue. It’s soooo expensive. We’re talking more than $500 to play for one season, not including the stick and goggles which can get pretty pricey as well. But, I really, really love this game. And, I think I could get to be a really good player. And finally, I have to prepare for the Air Force Academy and the physical test. I have to be ready by the end of June. Oh, btw, if anyone has any ideas on how to increase in push-up numbers or how to be able to do a pull-up, it would be greatly appreciated. But, anyway, what do you guys think? Should I play?

I have a problem. I am completely addicted to running. This doesn’t mean I’m good at it, I just love it. A lot. Every day, I have to run or do some equivalent, of running 4 miles. If I don’t, the next day I feel so digusting and weird. And, if I take a shower without having sweat that day, I feel really gross. Don’t ask why because I don’t know. I love running because I know I’m taking care of myself, and honestly, I think it has helped me to stop from getting sick. I haven’t had so much as a cold in the past two years since I first started running. I don’t think this is coincidence. I think the real problem comes into play when I put my running above other important things like schoolwork and sleep. It’s just so important to me that I run that I neglect other things, which is unhealthy. I don’t know, maybe the pros and cons of my addiction balance each other out?